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weekends.
like all blue-collar personnels "whom-had-surrendered-into-the-humdrum-of-weekdays'-rush", our weekends draws a notable scent. i guess, after working like almost 14hours a day for the past five days, the 48hours weekends is the least i can be rewarded.
this weekend isnt much memorable. it's so-mundanely-easily-forgotten, yet in-a-way-still-appreciated. eh. sounds tough. few words to summarize this entire weekend:-
empowered with determination, drive to stride, step out of the box and nearer to my bistro dream, late night with the telly, joint account, missed class, down with the weather, sore eyes, and feeling fatigue for the entire day, hit the controller of ps2, had to agree holland v aint fun without the hoegaarden mood, suki sushi, did my hair - have curls now, was reminded that dad is having an operation the next day, sent the bf off to the airport, came home, and realized you'd missed him already - while catchin the drama serial off the telly.
i cant say the weekends are well-spent. 48 hours is somewhere like a median. neither a extensive nor momentary. but isnt some "love-myself" time, "the boyfriend" time, "ps2 gaming" time, "bitching with the girls" time, in a weekend sufficient to last you for the next 5 days?
it's the time of the year. yet again.
it's the time again for submission of application to leading universities. maybe not leading for my case. but then still again. the dilemma.
it's been almost 2years since graduation. time indeed, waits for no one.
many of my peers like liu(he), agatha, or xiaoqian is on the verge of graduation, or had already worn the "square-cap" robe, smile happily on their commemoration day. but of course, they had embarked on the journey of education immediately after the polys, while the rest of us ventured into the society of working class citizen, or too, shouldered the responsibilities of servin the nation.
it's always prick in the finger, when time like this comes.
much pple around me encouraged and emphasized the importances of gettin that degree. quotes like:-
"no degree next time you'll work like hell." - from dad
"no paper cert, how long you need to work as junior management?" - from hei
"you're only 23 - still young, faster go study." - from bf's mum
"to rise to management level, there must be papers to back u up." - from my own boss (indirectly)
i swear, havin such hearsay thousands and one times, would gives you the inferiority complex at times.
unlike most, money is no major issue to me. neither, am born with a silver spoon, nor have tons of savings. merely based on a sentence; "education is the least all parents can give their kids", dad has no qualms abt me askin for $60K when i proposed to pursue a 3years course upon poly graduation. rememberin then, he just answered my prospal like this; "give me your calculations, tell me you're determined and confident, and i'll pack you off." but then again. idea was subsequently dropped. havin the rights to the thousands of "university sum" that dad had set aside for each of us, doesnt not mean one should take it.
so do i still wana don that "graduation robe" and smile to the camera, with a "unfitting-cap-flowers-in-hand-and-dad-by-my-side"?
erm.
am still in a dilemma.
i have two choices now.
i) work my way to for more f&b experience and relative networks, use the "university sum" for my capital, fulfill my long-time goal in runnin a small-time cafe. (*havin the upper hand currently, as bro is runnin his own cafe too. everyone in the family sings the same tune.)
or
ii) get a double honors and make everyone around me, esp dad, happy & proud. (maybe includin myself too)
wat's so irony now is:-
after one year so, am still figurin my future path, and still yet to decide between these two choices.
reminds myself. time waits for no-one.
this time, i give myself a dateline. I MUST do something. submission closes on 1 OCT!
ADDICTED.
to online shoppin during office hours.
comeon. tell me what's new?
Flashback. from within. it's been sometime since this url has been active. Figure 1: Slow down, signal right to overtake road hazzard. (Learner A supposed to overtake 1st, but keep delaying time.) Figure 2: Tried to overtake Learner A, but the stupid taxi refused to allow me to merge into the right lane, kept insisted by moving forward. In the end, have to proceed dangerously as I've passed Learner A by half the car.
wellz, i've started cyndices, went hiatus for a while, even meanwhile was complemented to remove the entire link. - main reason behind all these - bloggin was just a trend. and the passion of bloggin had simply burnt off.
friends around me still have misleading pronouncation abt "cyndices". Derived from the word indices - meaning all about index, "cyn-di-ces" would mean, all about cyn.
i recalled the very 1st post i'd published - like all, now, lookin at it. it like just a loads of nonsensical writes. However, from the 1st post to the 191th post, cyndices.blogspot had become a bank for all memories.
i still remembered the exact scence how kel and I had broken up in June 2004. I still rem to exact fun and exhilaration I had in the girlies chalet in May 2004. I still rem the exact tantrum I threw when dad refused to bring me along to taiwan in May 2004. I still rem the exact hatred i had for mum in Aug 2004. I still rem the exact fear for Carina (the lecturer) during my SIP days. I still rem the days of my SIPs with my projectmates (the daily breakfast at Design School, the routine DVDs marathons, etc), I still rem the cute pot-bellied pigs at the Zoological Gardens,I still rem the broke-yet-carefree-clubbin-endlessly days with the girls, till I read all my archives from March 2004.
In fact, yes, memories will be kept diligently. But the current feelings of one will be forgotten. Of course, till one wrote everythin down. Am so glad i did.
Sidetrack - drivin last saturday was pretty fun though. After the 20minutes lecture from my instructor (link here), I corrected all my mistakes. But. I still did a major hiccup. I created a 3 lane way, in a 2-way carriageway. (which will be a immediate failure in the test criteria) 
cause. you'll just know tat, at the end of the day, daddy dear will be just at home - awaitin for all his "chicks" to be back home. safety. like all had guessed. totally opposite.being the chengs's daddy's girls.
as the title had stated, it's very much different or growing up being a daddy's girl.
Guess many still vividly remember the Channel 5 sitcom starring Verentta Lopez, Carrie Chong, and Jamie Yeo couple years back. 
http://www.corporate.mediacorp.sg/progsales/progsales_new.asp?id=384&version=english&type=studios.
I used to catch the show fervently, shouting to dad the same time: "See, this is how we'll grow up to be like".
Now, lookin back, couple years later, i just cant help but feel nostalgic.
Except daddy's isnt a taxi driver, the chengs only has two daughters, our mum is still around, there's not a particular hairdresser around us, lastly, we are not as marriageable age yet. (maybe little sister isnt).
but one thing for sure. we would really want to be home with daddy, being his girls.
"Lulu Chong" reminds me of Cecilia Zhuang. - shy, blur, and completely clueless.
"Angel Chong" reminds of myself - of course, outgoing, loud, and with a line of suitors (*winks at felix) 
those girlies and catlix* (no prize for guessin whois it.) will understand how close am I to daddy.
practically. i doubt i can survive without tellin daddy somehow. - i need our daily conversation about the job, gettin a flat, funny conversation from others, payrise, bonus, travel, even relationship problems...
or even, doin silly things with daddy dear like - sharing great hawker treats, directions to an ulu-chiam-ulu places, wat's new on the menu at Ben's place, splurging exclusively when we're in the mood for gourmet pleasures, and sniffin out deals like $8.88++ buffet supper at Quality Hotel...
few days back, i had an event at The Cathay which entitles me to free wine. like all oxygen-deprived person, alcohols often does comes with cigarettes. So of course that day, I went home lookin like an alcoholic and smellin like a chimney. as we were on our usual "before bedtime talk on daily events", mr cheng posed me a question, two in fact (loosely translated):-
mr cheng: "ay, you go drink ar? you go smoke ar?"
me: "aye. ya. i went drink." "ya, i went smoke."
mr cheng: "humpf. why smoke. say you wana quit already?"
me: "ya. slowly. but very difficult la. u dun smoke ma. but if you drink, you sure were to smoke one."
mr cheng: "gogogo, away from my bed. so smelly."
me: giggles......
no doubt like all parents, mr cheng is always anxious about his "chicks". yet no doubt, like all males, he dont pretty much explain his love.
we are no different from a traditional cheena family. we do not have the habit of showin affection openly. we dun greet each other by their first name. we dont kiss each other goodnight, nor hug them goodbye.
but i have no qualms of opening greetin mr cheng when i'm still 10 steps from our main gate. nor any qualms on sharing the same king bed with him while mum's isnt in town, nor any qualms to holdin him by the arm.
he encourages you to be charge of your life, but somehow, you just cant be independent fully. 
then how abt your mum?
if am havin an affair. am i considered a slut?
of course am not having an affair.
come think again. assuming that i am, i wouldnt be that stupid to broadcast it anyway. but seriously. am not am not.
ironically, this thought came abt through the fm radio yesterday. i think it's class 95. aint sure though. while crusing in babe's little vois, there's this one letter from one of their faithful listener. The story goes like this:- (please note, original story may differ. i'm really typing as much as i could remember.)
this lady, mdm A recently discovered her husband of 10 years is having an extra-marital affair. It's his 10th affair in their marriage. Out of despair and agony, she turned to his best friend, Mr B, whom listened attentively to her woes. eventually, consolation turns into love, this "friendship" grew into a "relationship". Both started developin affections for each other. to make things worse, Mr B too, is havin a fair share of marriage problems. after some while, Mr B decided it's time to end this "relationship", dropped Mdm A a letter, saying their "relationship" is wrong, as she still is, his best friend's wife. of course, both party were devastated........ " *suddenly, the radio was cut off..
ahem, damn spoiler. reason being, babe had already parked his car, turned off the engine, and had headed to the carboot. meanwhile, sayin the girl "fan jian". "fan jian" - the description of doin a disgraceful & sluttish action. *sidetrack - earlier that night, i had accidentally slammed the passenger door into a nearby pillar. he was anxious to get off the car to check my degree of damage to his precious. heh.
of course, as a lady myself, i was furious, but yet, curious. being prompted, he explained. the reason of using "fan jian" on the girl was because, 1) it's her husband's best friend that she had developed feelings for - which in her case, is totally erroneous. 2) even the husband is having an extra-marital affair doesnt give his wife has the right to do so. never mind the fact that her husband is having his 10th affair in their 10 years of marriage.
it leaves me to this great burnin question. "why on earth when guys cheat, it's considered a marriage norm. (of course, they blame it on many other factors too - read: "why men cheat in this month's cleo). but, when their wife do the same thing, it's considered a grave offence?". isnt it the pot callin the kettle back?
seriously. i really dun understand. 1) are we still livin in the 18th century - had the japanese re-invaded us again? 2) what had happened to all the moral civics that we had learnt in our schoolin days? 3) equal of the sexes - are we still fighting for it, or have we gotten it?. 4) guys are still the better of both sexes, yes? 5) divorce rates are risin - does it directly weighs down as our patience and opinions towards such issues are gettin much lower?
pertaining to the story, more substantial questions to swallow:- 1) does it means mdm A cant bed mr B, cause she's his "best friend's" wife? 2) in a scenario where mdm A, and mr B are only acquaintances, it will then be considered a norm not a deviant act? 3) is mr B opting out because he doesnt not want to deem as a "wife-snatcher" among his group of friends? if so, it's just a reflection of his “cowardness”. 4) mdm A had tolerated the previous 9 affairs, how come does she need to wait for the number 10 before turnin to his best friend then – so it’s a sweet revenge served cold – and familiar? 5) for the guy - they have a cap of 10 affairs, and for women, why does it have to stop at one over the span of 10 years?
maybe some would consider babe as an male chauvinist. come say. he's just sayin it from a guy's point of view. which i think it's rather true and sincere though.
to me, i felt being called a slut, or even using synopsis like this is too harsh of a term. now, it's not that she's not into some dubious act, in layman's term, she's merely "followin her heart". i say, I will remain as a netural stand. guess if you have to, you have too. sometimes matters of the heart can't be specific.
sometime back, i was tellin my best friend, carol this - in a scenario that i'm married - with kids, my husband have a high-flying job, is the sole breadwinner, no beer-belly, still have his masculine looks, AND is having an affair. I will shut an eye on this.
i’d read abt this distressin issue off magazines, forums, and even blogs. which in a way, I agreed. that ultimately, each night, my husband still comes back to the same intimacy with the very same woman, whom he had exchanged his weddin vow with. at the age of say 35 and above (after bearin the kids), one really have to admit that “there’s a lot of younger meats out there, and men occasionally would just wana spread their seeds for fertilization.”
of course, am not implyin being my husband in the future, had this immerse privilege to have an affair. but sometimes, things are really unpredictable.
well, of course, when things are getting too much out of hand, then it’s a different story. i still know when to walk out, when worse is comin to worse.
carol immediately called me a physo. 100% certain that she'll completely against that idea - stating "once her husband have an extra-martial affair, she'll be out of the marriage".
but sometimes, somehow, we just never know what's the next call for action. women are neither stupid nor weak - selected times, we "behaved" so, yes. but literally, no. if it really happens one fine day, out of desperation, i aint sure what is the last decision. however, am certain, walkin out with no string attached and without any emotional burden is never my forte. nor anyone else i believe.
i do not grow up in broken family. my dad doesnt have any extra-martial affairs - well, not that i know of. so, am considered fortunate in a way.
say. when it comes to things like tat, usually, it's the kids who suffered. forcin them to relinquish their priceless innocence much faster.
sad. this is the world. guess this is how we grow.
irony. am attending a wedding dinner tonight.
sings* love. is. in. the. air.
i thought, before i smash flat into the keyboard due the constant heaviness & wavering of my head (much thanks to the "2pcs Chicken MEAL, one bottle of water, 2 large pao, and few sticks of tobacco.) i'll just occupied myself with the mere pretence of being busy.
It is in fact the most unexciting day in the office. Boss' out for golf - means no cigarettes partner. Angela's on MC - means having one less people to chat with. The rest like Sally & Ting are damn busy with their work.
before some gets bewildered, all right, am working for Esmirada Group of Restaurant - the F&B establishment with 5 outlets under its belt, and 12 years of history. Wellz, in this line, seeing restaurants open and close faster than you says "WOW", this's in fact, something that we, the "marketers" boast about.
Say, Friends like Sharon (Tan), Kin, Liu(he), and Anna, loves my job. My job is good. Wellz, yes and no.
The hard part is - I almost have absolute no social life. Esmirada at Chijmes has become a second home.
Technically speaking, the first. The chances of my colleagues seeing me are much higher in comparison to that of my own parents. Till date, I've spent my Valentine's, my Anniversary, NYE's (mid), and any other important dates around the vicinity.
This job, I tell you, is not your usual 9-6pm. Sometimes, I work 12 - 16 hours a day. Without counting the multitasking of doubling up as a waitress, hostess, and mother hen (when they're short of manpower in the restaurant).
And the pay is not at all MAGIC BEANS. Compared to what my peers are getting, this is absolutely peanuts, PEANUTS! When I compared with own previous experience in Public Relation. Pay unmatchable. When I compare with own previous work experience. Pay unmatchable. And, when I compare with the 2006's Diploma Graduates' Starting Pay. Not EVEN there.
However, most jobs aint measure by gross allowance. Yes. I agree. Of course, when I mention things like; transportation, telephone bills; meal at restaurants; are all provided by the company. Cigarettes & Coffeebreak personally on Boss.
Say, wat that, I practically decide on own working hours. - sometimes I overslept and I would just sms saying I'll be at 11am, which saves my cabfare as well. Ahem, as long as I reach the office before my BOSS. Another thing, I dine for free (yes, wine & beer included) at all five of the restaurants. - mind you guys, I entertains food reviews, so please any takers? I usually do lunch meetings at Brasserie Wolf - the privileged ENT authentic French fine dining. Reading Straits Times Interactive on the job for 1.5 hour became official. The Best part is - my angmo Boss asks me to chuck my work aside just to accompany him for coffeebreak in Grand Hyatt - simply cause he needs a smoking partner while having his coffee.
Forget abt this, The one thought of how much Ive matured on my job made me smile – with pride. Marketing proposal, IPC, Singapore Budget, Business proposal are now part and parcel of my job. Dealing with difficult customers, and the objective of making 20K out of a one night event – with the restaurant limited seating – had became a fulfilling challenge that i accept with pleasure.
In just 1 year of working experience, how much can a “fresh” diploma graduate achieved from just one mere company? I aint sure.
But, tell me, what beats the fact that a PRIVATE LIMITED company offers to splurge on your degree class? On the usual condition of course. – imagine a rope, tie - bond.
I believe - Once you're an asset to your job. You're priceless. I cant say I am though.
Yes. I admit. It is really tempting. I am considering. Still considering.
an average plain jane you will think
to push me over, is a possibility
keeping silence patiently
absolutely not it absolutely is
sniggering now saying. you shall see
one plain old jane, hah, i neither be
infuriated me it would be
start a spark, light a fire, as it seems
add the abhorrence, plus the resentment,
encouraging it to persist
so still try using your anesthetized brain to think
so still try using your density of feelings
Congratulations.
Any moment, you’ll get a taste of it.
I SWEAR, I WILL PUT YOU DOWN SO MUCH BURYING YOU IN DEEP IN COMPLETE SHAME, WITH THE MOST INTRIGUING SARCASM YOU WILL EVER HEAR. YOU WILL SEE ME LAUGHING AT YOU, IN A MOCK PATHETIC TONE, PRESENTING YOU THE SNIGGERING FACE. YOU WILL FIND ME SPEAKING THE FOULEST LANGUAGE YOU WILL IMAGINE, FORCING YOU INTO AN EDGE YOU WOULD WISHED, IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN.
I REPEAT. YOU WILL WISH YOU KEPT YOUR FUCKING PRIDE.
NOW. YOU WISH. BASTARD. YOU WISH.
the only cat. am not afraid of.
ahh.. right. Cats. with a capital S. to others, they are the most adorable animals one could be associated with. with their sizzling eyes, and voluptuous fur, it's indeed without a single doubt that none wont be bedazzled by their beauty.
no. I beg to differ. and I do admit. Cats.. Are..
my worst phobia. the worst of the worst. honestly. i'm afraid of several domestic creatures, like the slimy lizard, the disgusting beetles, as well as the dark flying cockroaches. But the fear of them, is just a mere percentage compared that of the horrifying, distressing creatures of the dark.
Just a slight sight, would sent a shivering chill straight towards the end of my spine. just a realization of them, makes me go around in a huge detour. just a mere crossing of the pesdestrian path, makes me stop in my tracks. just a glance of their eyes, makes me shiver in fear. Just a slight shake from their limps makes me completely still in my walking path. just a minor move of their body, makes me scream in terror. just a brush of their tail, pushes me to a closer step of insanity. just a sudden appearance, makes me run, like am in a marathon.
however, aint it irony. now. this guy of mine, whom makes me grin, like a child hopelessly lost in the abyss of happiness. is a vivid illustration of "the-minute-creature-that-shooked-my-heart".
he drove all the way from the other end of singapore each time, to meet me. he never fails to pick me up after work on every friday nights. he stretch his hand to take my heavy bag working bag, and in a swift moment, placed his arms around my shoulders. he is displeased coz i wana go home myself from jurong. he pushes money into my palm coz i complained i'm short of cash to take the cab home from jurong. he remembered my buggings abt goin to zoo and night safari, and managed to convince his mum about the free passes. he carries my tons of shopping bags without a single complaint. Alrite, there is. But kept still to the minimum. He pratically moved into my place, because I would need his tender goodnight kisses.
no doubt. there are times where he made me real mad. distrustin me. accusing me of "free plays". restricting my movements. disallowing my chillouts with my guyfriends. disapprovin of me goin clubbin. displeased with the fact tat i drink heinekens like tap water after work on thurs, fri, and sats. havin to report my every movement after 6pm, when i knocked off from work. failed to call me during lunchtimes, to remind me he misses me. heh.
however. am in love. with a silly cat. a good cat. a lucky cat. and still. a cat. meow.
Finally, Chinese New Year had offcially approached its end. Yes, indeed, i couldnt be more than happy for this. Literally, most people would say, the new year had ended in fact, long ago, before the offcial 15days was up. Most visitations, collecting of angbaos, gettin red packets, gamblin, mahjongs, or perhaps incidents like "followin parents for some once-year-see-on-time visitation to-duno-who-family yet-you-had-to-pretend-that-you-know-them-so-well. All these had came to a pass indeed. I doubt there would be alots of Chinese doin all these now, as for these, it's done only intensively on the first few days of the CNY. However, if you asked me, wat i like most about CNY. I would reply you, in a flat tone completely without an intense doubt. A Firm No. Indeed. Totally Nothin. Tell me, how's your reunion dinner full of sumptuous food, deliciously slurped till the last drop, and i'll tell you my reunion was maggie mee, eaten alone, in front of the television, at 130am after work. And yes. I'm proud of it. Not for the fact of the maggie mee, or havin an alone reunion. Say, I'd missed reunion dinner with my family. Even with the whole lot of relatives in Malaysia. For it's a tradition that every year, we're to go back to my Grandma's for the 30-over people dinner. I'd missed the gatherings with my only-able-to-see-about-twice-a-year relatives, i'd missed playin ba-luck with the same generation cousins, i'd missed havin mahjong sessions with the grown-ups, i'd missed answerin questions on my current doings, i'd missed clearin doubts of silly-yet-oh-so-common questions, i'd missed gettin some angpaos of cheapo relatives who pretend not to know how many kids my parents has. I'd missed. However, for the above mentioned, for all that I had missed, I miss. Not a single bit.Certainly. It would be evident. I hated CNY. Much. Curious as most maybe. Silly as some would argue. Somehow, CNY period is just another season. I used to think. CNY is very much about the Angpaos we had collected in the past few years. However, as i grew older, the significant of money came. By calculation, these "blessings/the additional money in the red packets", is as equlivent to wat my parents gave. For every $4 you had received, they would be givin either the same amount, or perhaps more. It's additional "God-blessed"? I certainly doubt so. Tat explains how come, Airlines tremedously increased their fares in these so-called peak period, and people are still willing to pay. Like they says, "More worth it than givin angpaos, whole family still can go holiday somemore." One stone kills two birds, of course. "But well. CNY is extensively for gatherings. For people whom are abroad. Chinese New Year would be the period whereby everyone gets together, for a dinner. Tat's why they called it reunion." Yes, some could have the nerve to say this. Eh, so wat. i dun see any importance of it. Especially, it certainly doesnt help much, if you have totally irriatin relatives whom, I called them "TONA"s. Talk Only, No Action. And, they never failed to "test the system". On the other hand, neither could i argue back in a more sacratic tone, nor i could simply do nothin. Irony it may seems. As a child gradually steps into adulthood, the joyous feel of Chinese New Year each year, is greatly diminishin. Ok, am aint 100% sure about other 22years olds. However, to me, it is. Still. I could vividly remember, how celebratory my CNY was, while growin up. In our pre-primary schools, as well as primary school days, growing up in the small town of Johor. Each year in the afternoon, of CNY Eve, as routine, we would rushed like wild boars, to avoid the jams, to be there with them (the relatives), to be on time, for the sumptuous reunion dinner. Meanwhile, Daddy would drive us to some shophouse, to get buy-watever-you-wan fireworks. Which would be the climax of the CNY. This went one for quite some years, till one fine day. Malaysian Government realized too much of their attap houses are burnt, and placed a ban on the sale of fireworks. However, it didnt damped our CNY moods either. As kids, we're still excited. However, this time, its another story. The gambling. At that point of ban, the pre-primary school us had grown up, and learnt our Maths, able to do metal yet rapid calculation, for Ban-luck. Or to some of you, Blackjack. But of course, we were excited about our new found talent too. So, as the adults are so-called "mahjongin", we, the kids, kept ourselves busy with Blackjackin. Apparently, these "kids" grew over the years. As one got older, one got more distant. Some went overseas for further studies, some went other places to earn a living, some had been married. Intially, it was a sad feeling. Failing to each a particular cousin on CNY eve at the reunion dinner. However, as each year passes by, and the table got smaller, and my euthusism about CNY got lesser too. Till this day, instead of rushin like a wild boar, I looked at my Dad and asked, with the most pathetic voice, "Do we have to go?", "Can I not?". Each year, i got the same stern face, "totally hopeless" glance, and the same answer. NO. So indeed. I went. I sulked. I dread the days. I acted like i'm really interested/excited to see each and everyone of them. I tried hard to remember the excat old tradition way of addressin each relative. I tried to totally engrossed in the silly shows they were showin in Astro. I ignored those oh-so-sickenin faces of the upper generation. I siggnered discreetly about the piao-lang-mama, bringin 7kids with rm2 red packets. I tried to sleep in the dusty livin room, and the tendency of wakin up with a flu the next day. Of course, you can imagine how elastic i was, in Singapore for Chu 1&2. Indeed, after 22years. No doubt. I may patheticly had to endure work on a CNY Eve. I may had to stand in the midst of Chinatown, shoutin "Happy New Year!". I may not have a crowded reunion dinner. I may had been endovered by the crowd awaitin the fireworks, after work. I may had a maggie-mee-one-dish-course dinner. I may had stayed at home the whole day of Chu 1. I may had settled my dinner, with over-charged coffeeshop fare. I may had no places to do my own visiation as, my friends were all busy with family visitin on Chu 1. I may at times, ate the new year goodies as a meal. I may missed out some redpackets from potential givers. But Pathetic? Absolutely NOT. I just. DUN like. Chinese New Years.
Yes, After a too-long-of-a-post-graduation break,
to near 5months of relaxation, I've got my butt up.
And begin aggressively sendin resumes. Finally.
Wish me Luck.
this pretty darlin. aint she adorable.
I stared at this for the longest time before I organized my thought systematically. No doubt. There are combinations of events that are goin through my mind. At this moment. Different thoughts came by all together. Especially when you've just gotten achoholicly high, feelin much more better after a long hard cold bath.
Flashes of events, recaps, and reminiscences still lingers around, remaining fresh, in my mind, at the back of my head. Be it, either the joyful, unforgettable, utterly wild, entertaining, absolutely madness, or, the filled with anger, downright revengeful, regrets, thoroughly ugly, intensely sour. Ask me, how does it feels like. And I will say. It's quite like how a bullet train had just past you by at a complete tremendous speed, leavin the wind gushin towards your direction, havin you hair all messed up, against the fight of the strong force. It would too, quite feels like the bell for recess just rang, hungry school kids dashin towards the canteen, with the intention of wantin to be first in the queue. On the other hand, it does feels like walkin into a retail stall, "decor"ly filled with diamonds, be it their decor, or being spoilt by choice, you're all bedazzled into being total speechless state for words.
Ironically, each of the individual thoughts are so. Much personal. That makes me ponder into publishin it in the first place. But however. Come think of it. It might be another good chance to blog too. Else. Not now. Or maybe not in near future. Anyway. First things first. Let me do a summary of what had I been through durin my absence since the last post. In just two weeks, I've survived. 4 nights at MOS. 2 nights at Dbl O. A 2hour queue in order to hit the oh-so-famous club. Norm of gettin utterly high on the alcohols. Drank Heinekens like tap water. Given all the "zi-zhi-ren" guys kisses, on their cheeks. Given all my so-called-part-times hot wet smooches. Last meet-up with Mae before she went San Diego. Twice meetin the ex-bobby's for cheap beers at lotstock. The oh-so-perfect BF almost bashed up one of my guyfriend. A disappointin-waste-of-money Bangkok trip. A breakup after a short 2months. A new hairstyle. A damn short till "i-look-werid-and-it-made-my-face-fat" fringe. A new experience from overseas. 5packs of Thailand cigarettes. An "extract from the movie The Terminal". Samplin Bloody Marys at both BedSupperClub and Q Bar. Acquisitions of another new Baileys and Martini. How's tat?
Ok, i'll skip the elaboration of how spectacular, gigantic, remarkable and stunnin MOS (Ministry of Sound) is. As I supposed almost the whole population of Singapore had been there, done that. However, I've gotta add this. The Man whom is in charge of MOS is really refined. We are in their queue for their New Year Party (ok, Bryan was, I merely joined him after work). And this guy, I tell you, was busy in charge of the safety of his partygoers, yet on the other hand; he thanked and apologized to us, for the long hours of queuein outside, before allowin us to enter. Put this aside, i've read in the news yesterday, MOS would be doin somethin about all these. Read Life, Page 2, Saturday, 7th Jan.
Now, you may ask. So what's about the extract of The Terminal? Since it's over, let me speak. It was a true long story. Not exactly endless though. It was on the New Year day we had voyaged our Bangkok trip. Yes. It would be a bad idea though. However, as the time came, I dread. On this trip, the feelings aint the same anymore. I had no longer immersed in the sensation of perfectly-in-love. I dragged myself to the airport after a long night of working, clubbin, and tahin of waterfall, flaming lambo, Barcadi 151, Barcadi Dry.
The first day came and got by completely fine. Everythin was adequate. I've reached the airport, we took our flight, I've slept throughout the whole 3hours, made plentiful of excuses to ignore his touch, we[read:I] shopped, we kept our distance, and thank god for the twin not double hotel room, therefore, we slept on different beds.
However, on the second day, we had agreed on a breakup. reason: being friends would be better, much much better. However, HIM, the so called oh-so-perfect boyfriend, got himself so damn drunk, tat he got on my nerves. Details, shall not be revealed to protect the rights of both parties. Haha. Ok. I'm lazy to type la. Anyway, back to the point. So much tat i wana out of there. Out of bangkok, out of the hotel, and out of being there. So at 5.30am in Bangkok, I hailed the taxi, bought my own return ticket on the spot. Waited for 5hours in the Bangkok Airport for my flight. Meanwhile in these it-seems-like-five-days 5hours, i had Bangkok's Burger King as Breakfast. Met a new Angmo Executive Friend called Kevin. Smoked endless of cigarettes. Used my luggage as a pillow, and slept on the strench of chairs in the airport, while listenin to my Zen Mirco, used the bagguage trolly as portable stool, sittin down whenever possible. While waitin in the tickets queue, while havin my smokebreak, even while waitin for the cubicle for the ladies.
Friends around me said I'm crazy, gusty, irresponsible, damn power to be able to do such a thing. On top of the fact that I'm a vulnerable lady, they called. When things were to happen, I would be completely defenseless. Well, I truly agreed on how dangerous it was. I was in a forgien country, this i had to admit. Even i were to die there, *choy*, it would takes at least 2-3days to notify my family. And we are now talkin abt the fact that, my body would be found.
Say, there's another time when I've got separated from my friend in Chatuchak Weekend Market. That's when my 1stvisit to Bangkok around last May. In the end, I merely continued my shoppin alone, and after near 3hours, I took the BTS from Mo Chi, and walked the 10mins journey to my hotel, while smoking my cigarettes. ALONE. Oh ya. I grabbed a latte from the roadside coffeestall meanwhile. How utter MAN is that?!
In fact, when these things do happen, the only thing you can depend on is your instant reaction to situation. I dun expect to sit/stand there in the middle of the traffic, and start to be panicked, and completely have none idea at all. I merely do wat I deem fit. For that moment, I had to agree, the horrid stories that I've been ever told before, about foreigners being kidnapped and killed for money in Bangkok, was totally out of my mind then. But I had to digress. When things happens, People just react. I guess a lot of you would react the same way as me too.
Till now, I haven been able to tell my Dad about the whole incident, and all the "minor hipcups" that had happened to me before. When I traveled of course. For I believe, after telling him, I would be banned from travellin without his accompanice. Lol. Anyway. Right now. Here am I. Typin this entry. That proves that i'm completely safe, sound, and gained. in both weight, and experience. So, rest assured. Heh.
Now. Words aside. Eye Candies Right.
When they says. Somethings Dun Change.I say. I Believe.
The Margaritas Love Triangle.
MOS. Long time ago.FYI. That's MR Oh-So-Perfect. Ex.With darlin Mae.
2Barmaids. And our Mad Sara.Oh. Lookin at the last photo, I had braided my hair over in Bangkok. Total of 6 pleats, 3 of fluorescent pink, 3 of dark brown. For only a total of 120bath. Which is equivalent to only like $5 here. Scream: Cheap. But sadly to say, it only last for 2weeks. I tell you, it's damn difficult to comb your hair after your shower mann. Anyway. Over and done with. I bet i'll do a full braid next time. Meanwhile. Love.
dun. try me.
not. even. think.
am certainly. not ur average jane.
no.
none to near. at all.
get it.
For a Change.
Too much of often. I have people tellin me, how fortunate I am to have Shawn as my boyfriend right now. The comments would ranges : "I think you have a very nice boyfriend", "Shawn is very good to you hor." blah blah blah. Sometimes I do agree. Like how smart and intelligent he is, being a student of NUS, gettin his honors in just afew months. Like how he already set-up a now-breakeven-design-company way even before he had graduated. Like how good-lookin he is, whereby he's greatly sought after. Like how he plans plentiful little surprises just for a simple Christmas, despite the agreements not to exchange presents. Like how he hugs me and keep me warm in the cinemas, knowin I cant stand the icy temperature. Like how he planned and made the arrangements for our 5days Bangkok trip, in the midst of rushin his only 10% done FYP, due in late January. Like he gave me absolute freedom to work, to drink till i' m completely drunk, to club as and when. No obligation. No question asked. No demands. Yet, he would be this perfect gentleman whom picks his girlfriend after a hard day of work. Sends her home after a tah-ing-Barcadi-drys-tequila-shots session without gettin cross. Comfort her legs after few hours on the podium of the dancefloor. Like how he got much of worried instead of being cross, havin seen his lousy-drinker girlfriend gettin super high continuously 4days straight. Like how he trusted me to go on a 3days Gentin gamblin spree, with Bryan, even there's this string-of-imaginary-"accidents"-like-all-guys-think-would-happen. Like how, he came to my place, and whipped up a deliciously-anyhow-whacked dinner for me, and my family. Like how he brought me to plentiful of nice chillouts places, due to the fact tat i like to drink. [ok, the last statement is a joke.]
But. Wait a minute. You may say Aiya, puppylove, honeymoon period only lehz. Ok. Whatever. The problem is. this boyfriend of mine treated me so damn well, till i cant find a fault in him for an argument. He allow me to go on my way, yet on the other hand he's cool about it. He placed me priority, yet on the other hand, he din deem as needy. He gave me the privilege to decide, on the other hand, indecisive he's absolutely not.
Aye. *Snapped* Before you saya, ok, even myself start convincin that, my boyfriend is a saint. Stop. Look. At the other side of the story. And for a change. please tell him how lucky he is. Being my boyfriend instead.
Say wat about. The fact that I always waited for him to end work at fathers before goin out, even though i had to wait at least 2hours straight. Say wat about. The fact that i would insist goin home myself. Because from town to hougang to cck is an unnecessary too big of a round. Say wat about. The fact that i'm independent, i dun teh for his need to accompanice. Say wat about. The fact that he've gotten an ipod Nano, for his birthday this year, despite the fact that we are only together for only a mere month. Say. Wat about the fact that. He has a pretty girlfriend. Ok. Dun even talk about pretty. I shall be more humble. Acceptable-lookin girlfriend whom looks good enough to hook his hands in the middle of an-overly-meaningless-crowded Orchard Road. And lastly. Say. Wat about the fact that. I choose him. Say. Wat about. The fact that the last fact overrules all the above.
So the bottom line. Who's the luck.ier one?
i miss them. much.
those where the days.
Come on. Come on.
Please give me a round of applause.
Do add some insane cheers and screams too.
For a record, after near 3months of hibernation.
I'm back.
Your truly is now.
BACK.
Lookin back at the last entry. 10 August 2005. Tat marks the day Trav and I got together, National Day 2005 itself. And now. In this case. This entry would then be markin the separation of Trav and myself. No. Dun get me wrong. I'm not tryin to prove anythin. I'm not tryin to make u guys count the days by simple calculation. Wat makes me blog now is just I cant get to sleep. And I guess this is the best time to make up for the lack of entries for the past few months.
As most of you might be askin. "Wat makes the breakup?", "What had gone wrong?". Wellz. I shall answer that question by question. Of late, things hasnt been goin well for him and me. I've been feelin gloomy deep down within. And people around me, whom i've confided in, been tellin me all sort of bombastic love physiology, or rather lots romantic love stories, let alone honey-coat-diabetically-sweet words. But to say the truth. I'm still left very much untouched. To cut long story short, I'm plainly. Irresponsible.
Our communication diminished. Our meetup became lesser. And "strangely" or naturally, I became busier. Much more busier. With friends. With work. With myself. I started to avoid. Avoid from my inner feelings. To stop concernin. To escape from the relationship. The bottom line: I started to drift. Further and further apart. I wana to have more love-myself time. I wana to have more Sundays with family. I wana have more weekends with friends around me. I wana have more of no obligations. To an extent that i've convinced myself. Havin a relationship is totally out my priorities.
Ok. I know. These are all excuses. Total Irresponsible. What the hell are u takin relationship for. What the hell are you takin commitments for. You might say. Call me anythin rangin from a bitch, to a player, to somethin so uncouth that pple have to use *** to censor off. People around me would say, "There, I knew it. Cynthia ah Cynthia... blah blah blah." Right? But anyway. We had our happy days. Photos as memories. Words spoken as evidence. We had our arguments. Tears shed. Voices raised. We've done everythin a couple in love had done. Movies. Dates. Dinner. Enchanted Moments. Surprises for each other. Heartfilled hugs&kisses. Meet the parents. There maybe much we have not done yet, like spendin festivals together. Goin on a holiday. and more. But... never mind. I'm in no position to give a tearduct speech as well.
But, honestly speakin. I have to really thank Trav. He's real liberate. He did not ask much. And magnanimously says that he will let me go. To part for our own ways. As he wants me to be happy. Till he read this post. The reason would still be a mystery to him. Perhaps after he had read this post. The reason would be completely ridiculous for him. Whatever it is...
(Thank you. I guess I still owe you a real explanation. I'm truly sorry to opt for the cowardly way of endin this relationship, without havin a good talk, without givin you a chance to say your piece, your feelin, and your side of the story. Right now. I've given u nothin but devastation. However, no matter wat, please be the insane, jackass, complete crazy Travis in front of e again.)
Anyway. Back to Basic. Life was pretty good for me recently. Nothin much new. Except for the breakup. So good, So routine, So mundane, that it had became borin. So much of doin the same old stuff for 4 months had integrated it into a habit. The habit of goin to Chjimes each day. The habit of havin a late night routine. The habit of meetin the same old people, doin the same old stuff like: "Hi, table for 2?", "Can I start you with any drinks first?", "2 Hekenien pints". So mundane that there's only a slight different of havin a PERFECT life. Wait a minute. Dun get me wrong. I'm absolutely of no position to boast about anythin. It's completely of no intention of tellin you guys i'm livin in a fairytale. The reason why am I sayin I’ve on the verge of obtainin a perfect life is. I"VE BEEN DOIN THE SAME OLD SHITS EVERYDAY. Dun they say practice makes perfect. Now, give me some commendation then. To be "practicin" the same things everyday.
Speakin of how bored i've become, there are multiple times i've told myself, as well as people around me, tat "this-week-will-be-the-last-week". However, regardless of the peanuts pay, regardless of how fucked-up the job is gettin, regardless of how completely immune i've becomin to my job. I find myself, submittin schedules week after weeks. I've found myself contradictory, stuck in Bobby's, on one hand requestin for more workin hours, on the other hand, completely sick of the job. But, why is it so, i've asked myself. And of late, i've discovered. It's the people that make you stay on. No matter how insanely disgustin the job is, the so-take-care-of-me kitchen staffs, the sing-in-the-same-frequency colleagues, the fun-lovin-no-hassle-servin kinda people you would get to meet there. These factors made me procrastinate about leavin much.
I've been tellin myself. I've find a "normal" workin hours, 9am to 5pm office job. I shall aim to be the next professional blue-collar lady in the estate. I shall work my way up the social ladder. The schedule should be as follow, Monday to Wednesday shall be a normal workin day. Thursday and Friday I shall work at night as a brand ambassador (Too much pay to let it go). Saturday night will be the Crazy-let-your-stress-release nightsout. By the time it reaches Sunday. It would be formal family day. However. Weeks after weeks. Till now. I've stopped sendin resume completely. I've stopped readin Classified Jobs fervently. I've even stopped entertainin thoughts of havin a normal hour job. I take each day. By each day. Passes by. Countin hours worked. Calculatin amount earned.
Seriously. I'm real tired of jugglin between 2jobs. A magic beans pay as a "brand ambassador". And the peanuts pay as an "all-rounder-barmaid-waitress-public-relations-brand-ambassador." In complete layman's term, beer promoter. Next time u see someone, wearin high heels black boots, with an "Erdinger/Tiger/Hekenien/Guiness" outfit, I might be the one. Workin so much and hard had kind of taken a toll on my social life. I kinda feel left out of the circle my girls and I used to create last time. I vividly remember the carefree days of Bishan movies outing when we've so free, and broke. The free and easy Hongkong trip. The youth days I shall called it. However, Pity me not. I've spent too much time focusin earnin magic beans that i've completely neglected each and everyone of time. Slap that comment "I've deserve it" on me, time management, social life, work (read:money), family needa to be greatly prioritize fairly immediately.
Like everyone's sayin. We've grown. And taken our own path of life. Towards our individual goals in life. Kids? Aint we no more. Free? Not much these days. However, I greatly needa thank them for everythin. Esp Miss Carol. For all tat i've done. She's givin me complete understandin. Vivian too, for organizin each meetin. Basically all the 6girls. I miss Coconut groove. And the THICK mushroom soup in Sizzler. Heh. Now, I would like to remind u girls. CHRISTMAS PARTY THIS YEAR! And Vivian, I will try learnin bakin turkeys alrite? Michael, I hope u got the cow again this year!. Now, do let me consider is there's anymore "doggies" again. Heh.
At the end of the line, I just wana say, working much may be a good life. It helps takes lots of stuffs off my mind too. Not that i'm facin alot of stress though (as, truely aint a university students muggin hard for their end semester exams). I've been much bothered by the fact that i'm changin gradually. Be it physical or emotional or characterwise. People grown. People changed. People reacted. People reminisce. People longed for the past. People dread future. Perhaps here. Tat "people" is me.
Somewhere or rather, I wish I could go somewhere quiet. Spent a day near the beach. With a storybook in hand. No but thanks. I dun needa any physical accompanies. For what I really need. Is a true tranquility. Perhaps. Perhaps.
it's a real funny time to blog. after such a long interval. and esp when you're havin a 10am class tml. but. i just wana go on typin every insane nonsense of mine. like. bits of here and there. random of the random thoughts. ask me. right now, wat am i thinkin about. seriously, this cant be even called the blog of the random thoughts. reason being, me, the blogger, cant even pinpoint excatly wat the hell are goin this amazin brain of mine.
i just wana go on and typin. hell lot of nonsense. which indeed doesnt make sense. right now. i really feel like makin another long-distance call for a mere chat. in this wee hour. ahem. tat's lots of wat i wish i could do. wish i could just take up the phone. and call. anyone on the list. just blabberin and blabberin.
like. how i really wana a holiday. with the sun and the sand. with the breeze and the darkness. i've told lots about this silly thought of mine. whereby, you could lie in the middle of the shore, just merely enjoyin the uv ray, burnin into your skin in the hot sunny mid-day. but as the night falls, head back to the hotel room. have a long bath. and rest besides the window. nothin would beats the actual feel of the seabreeze, swoonin through your face, with a book in your hand. aint this true relaxation. aint this complete serendipity. well, i'm not sure about others. but. at least it goes for me.
like how i really wish to dance and twirl around. in the shimmerin luminous field of golden sunflowers, with the rays of the sun shinnin upon them. enjoy the breath-takin view. lose yourself. in the pretty sight of the yellow meadows. indulge into the sweet-smellin fresh flowers. and dance. and twirl. and go awakenin-insane. and just for once, place everythin little single thing aside.
like how i wana so much to catch Charlie on the Chocolate Factory on screen now. (Dun tell me about how nice and kiddish is the show about). To me. It's like childhood all over again. It's like a fanatasy comin true. It's like goin back to wat you're when you're growin up. It's such a indescribable feelin tat i get. It's like, say, i could travel back time. for the first time. I'm not sure about others. But I have read Ronald Dalh's stories when i was a still a simple kid way long ago. And this particular stories lies a lingerin impression in me. Till now. Tat explains my anticipation for tat show.
like how i've seriously enjoyin my work. being a freakin workaholic and wild party animal at the same time. Well. for those who dun really know. ok. i've been workin at Chijmes as a waitress and a barmaid. But seriously. Barmaid seems so underratin. Like someone who really slog for the bar. Well, from wat i know. Bartenders are usually addressed to guys. And Barmaids will be used to call the ladies. Each time. Each day. I'll go to work on an anticipatin mood. And end work with a saddier note. Tat's the fun of workin there. Everyone brought up the fun even though the workin hours are really irregular. for example, it would goes way to say 2am in the mornin. But yea. So far. i've been lookin forward to work so much. to the extend that i've been completely neglectin other proprities like school and stuffs.
like how much i miss my girlies. and how much i wana meet them up for a mere dinner and a heart-to-heart talk. It's been like 2 months or so since i've last saw them. and seriously. i missed everyone of them. esp carol. There are many a times i wana call her up, andtell her. wat's been goin on with me and stuffs. like her share my happiness. but i backed out the very last minute. Reason, i dun know wat should i say. and this silly mouth of mine gets things heated up real fast. And this time round. I'm at fault for doubtin. Till i had found a sensible way of expressin. wellz. till then like i've said. rest assured pple. i promise it would be. soon.
like how i really wana to sit in Bali's House over in Le Meridien, in wee hours of the mornin, sippin my all-time-favourite hazelnut latte, with Bryan and his expensive car, over the cigarettes, admirin their cafe's design, their priceless tranquility, their wonderful greenery, and romantic candlelights. That makes my night worthwhile.
like how i like makin the 3-layered latte for myself over at my workplace every mornin. Pourin the packet of sugar into the hot latte, and take pleasure at the sight of the "sugar explosion" immediately after the sugar sunk into the bottom abyss of the coffee mixture. The "explosion" is just a sheer 5seconds, yet it makes the latte so different.
like how i relish in drinkin Ciders (StrongBow). Admirin the bubbles in the translucent pintmug. In complete silent, and full attention. It may seems silly doesnt it. But aint it a spectular sight. Of the never-endin bubbles findin their way to the brink of the beer? Aint it amazin. The bubbles are so minute in the comparsion beer tat it fails to get noticed, and gradually became ignored.
like how i like. starin into something unknowingly. either let my mind run, and think about anythin and everythin. or maybe. not thinkin at all. allow it to be engrossed in watever thoughts that came and stopped by. allows it to lose itself. in the endless nerves and braincells. or maybe. allow it to even take a break. but come. ask me wat the hell am i thinkin abt. i'm not sure either. i just let this impressive brain of mine works. i'm just lost in the complete silence. i'm lost in translation.
like how i really like strollin along the peaceful streets of the always-human-packed streets of town in the night. with the street lamps surroundin the atmosphere. with the absence of the daily traffic. with the sight of the buildin lights. and with the phyiscal Him just beside. Not talkin oftenly. Not thinkin of anythin. just merely strollin along each other. enjoyin the company. hand in hand. with that smile on your face.
Say, Yesterday was the birth of the nation 40 years ago. Yesterday was the common birthdate of all Singaporeans. Yesterday was a rest day from work, a public holiday. Yesterday was the sight of beautiful, expensive, once in a year fireworks.
Yesterday was also a memorable date. Yesterday was in fact significant. Indeed, Yesterday had made me smile. And i still remember it. :)
i cant wait to go bangkok. 28th july. please arrive.
in the graveyard hours.a thought came by.
period.
