Saturday, December 04, 2004
Cried and Dried my Tears. I wondered why i would cry.
I've got wat i wana after waitin for 1month. Why aren't I'm happy still?
Few months ago. My SIPmates was sayin how strong am I. I can have the courage "to take on a relationship, and to let it go too". Na De Qi Fang De Xia. Huijun said, i dun cried at the end of a relationship, but instead, i looked forward to life after it. But come think of it. I dun. I can let it go so easily cause I haven sunk into the commitment deep enough in the first place. The shallower you are, the easier you can get out of it. I dun cried cause i hated to be portrayed as the weak party. I hated sympathy from the other party. But back to the point. Why didnt i let myself to sunk into the "quicksand" commitment? Why would i hold back my innermost self? Seriously, at every point of a relationship, there would be someparts where i would choose to be stagnant. And hold back. I cant answer why. I'm afraid. I'm selfish.
Meet up with Kelvin yesterday. Wanted to go for a round of beers at Fisherman V, but in the end, we ended up in Downtown East, as the just-graduated-BMT-soilder had not eaten yet. Lookin at how he's doin now, how great he's enjoyin his path and his plans, i feel real happy for him. But meanwhile, Feelings of Guilt filled me up. Guilt towards Kel. As well as Guilt towards Alex. Sittin in his Sunny in the middle of the night reminds of wat happens 5months back. How hard he tried to salvage the relationship, but how hard i wana out of it. How he long to see me, but how terrified i was of him at that time. However, right now, Irony, how remarkably he is, how remorseful i am now. How much he's enjoyin his life, gettin over the spilt milk, and how i lost my logicalness, lookin back and regrettin. Retribution. Action pays. I laugh at my stupidity. I depised my foolishness. He will always be a friend i hold dear.
Right now, I just wana to; cry all the unhappy feelings out. drink and get drunk. go out and chill. bitch with all my friends. have fun and no restriction. find my direction back in life. After which, I will be OK. I wana start everythin new. Forget wat happened in these 2years.
I cheers to Singlehood.
Love me as a friend.
I cant love you as a someone more than that.
beautiful memories on. 2:34:00 pm x
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