Saturday, November 19, 2005

Come on. Come on.

Please give me a round of applause.

Do add some insane cheers and screams too.

For a record, after near 3months of hibernation.


I'm back.
Your truly is now.
BACK.


Lookin back at the last entry. 10 August 2005. Tat marks the day Trav and I got together, National Day 2005 itself. And now. In this case. This entry would then be markin the separation of Trav and myself. No. Dun get me wrong. I'm not tryin to prove anythin. I'm not tryin to make u guys count the days by simple calculation. Wat makes me blog now is just I cant get to sleep. And I guess this is the best time to make up for the lack of entries for the past few months.

As most of you might be askin. "Wat makes the breakup?", "What had gone wrong?". Wellz. I shall answer that question by question. Of late, things hasnt been goin well for him and me. I've been feelin gloomy deep down within. And people around me, whom i've confided in, been tellin me all sort of bombastic love physiology, or rather lots romantic love stories, let alone honey-coat-diabetically-sweet words. But to say the truth. I'm still left very much untouched. To cut long story short, I'm plainly. Irresponsible.

Our communication diminished. Our meetup became lesser. And "strangely" or naturally, I became busier. Much more busier. With friends. With work. With myself. I started to avoid. Avoid from my inner feelings. To stop concernin. To escape from the relationship. The bottom line: I started to drift. Further and further apart. I wana to have more love-myself time. I wana to have more Sundays with family. I wana have more weekends with friends around me. I wana have more of no obligations. To an extent that i've convinced myself. Havin a relationship is totally out my priorities.

Ok. I know. These are all excuses. Total Irresponsible. What the hell are u takin relationship for. What the hell are you takin commitments for. You might say. Call me anythin rangin from a bitch, to a player, to somethin so uncouth that pple have to use *** to censor off. People around me would say, "There, I knew it. Cynthia ah Cynthia... blah blah blah." Right? But anyway. We had our happy days. Photos as memories. Words spoken as evidence. We had our arguments. Tears shed. Voices raised. We've done everythin a couple in love had done. Movies. Dates. Dinner. Enchanted Moments. Surprises for each other. Heartfilled hugs&kisses. Meet the parents. There maybe much we have not done yet, like spendin festivals together. Goin on a holiday. and more. But... never mind. I'm in no position to give a tearduct speech as well.

But, honestly speakin. I have to really thank Trav. He's real liberate. He did not ask much. And magnanimously says that he will let me go. To part for our own ways. As he wants me to be happy. Till he read this post. The reason would still be a mystery to him. Perhaps after he had read this post. The reason would be completely ridiculous for him. Whatever it is...

(Thank you. I guess I still owe you a real explanation. I'm truly sorry to opt for the cowardly way of endin this relationship, without havin a good talk, without givin you a chance to say your piece, your feelin, and your side of the story. Right now. I've given u nothin but devastation. However, no matter wat, please be the insane, jackass, complete crazy Travis in front of e again.)


Anyway. Back to Basic. Life was pretty good for me recently. Nothin much new. Except for the breakup. So good, So routine, So mundane, that it had became borin. So much of doin the same old stuff for 4 months had integrated it into a habit. The habit of goin to Chjimes each day. The habit of havin a late night routine. The habit of meetin the same old people, doin the same old stuff like: "Hi, table for 2?", "Can I start you with any drinks first?", "2 Hekenien pints". So mundane that there's only a slight different of havin a PERFECT life. Wait a minute. Dun get me wrong. I'm absolutely of no position to boast about anythin. It's completely of no intention of tellin you guys i'm livin in a fairytale. The reason why am I sayin I’ve on the verge of obtainin a perfect life is. I"VE BEEN DOIN THE SAME OLD SHITS EVERYDAY. Dun they say practice makes perfect. Now, give me some commendation then. To be "practicin" the same things everyday.

Speakin of how bored i've become, there are multiple times i've told myself, as well as people around me, tat "this-week-will-be-the-last-week". However, regardless of the peanuts pay, regardless of how fucked-up the job is gettin, regardless of how completely immune i've becomin to my job. I find myself, submittin schedules week after weeks. I've found myself contradictory, stuck in Bobby's, on one hand requestin for more workin hours, on the other hand, completely sick of the job. But, why is it so, i've asked myself. And of late, i've discovered. It's the people that make you stay on. No matter how insanely disgustin the job is, the so-take-care-of-me kitchen staffs, the sing-in-the-same-frequency colleagues, the fun-lovin-no-hassle-servin kinda people you would get to meet there. These factors made me procrastinate about leavin much.

I've been tellin myself. I've find a "normal" workin hours, 9am to 5pm office job. I shall aim to be the next professional blue-collar lady in the estate. I shall work my way up the social ladder. The schedule should be as follow, Monday to Wednesday shall be a normal workin day. Thursday and Friday I shall work at night as a brand ambassador (Too much pay to let it go). Saturday night will be the Crazy-let-your-stress-release nightsout. By the time it reaches Sunday. It would be formal family day. However. Weeks after weeks. Till now. I've stopped sendin resume completely. I've stopped readin Classified Jobs fervently. I've even stopped entertainin thoughts of havin a normal hour job. I take each day. By each day. Passes by. Countin hours worked. Calculatin amount earned.

Seriously. I'm real tired of jugglin between 2jobs. A magic beans pay as a "brand ambassador". And the peanuts pay as an "all-rounder-barmaid-waitress-public-relations-brand-ambassador." In complete layman's term, beer promoter. Next time u see someone, wearin high heels black boots, with an "Erdinger/Tiger/Hekenien/Guiness" outfit, I might be the one. Workin so much and hard had kind of taken a toll on my social life. I kinda feel left out of the circle my girls and I used to create last time. I vividly remember the carefree days of Bishan movies outing when we've so free, and broke. The free and easy Hongkong trip. The youth days I shall called it. However, Pity me not. I've spent too much time focusin earnin magic beans that i've completely neglected each and everyone of time. Slap that comment "I've deserve it" on me, time management, social life, work (read:money), family needa to be greatly prioritize fairly immediately.

Like everyone's sayin. We've grown. And taken our own path of life. Towards our individual goals in life. Kids? Aint we no more. Free? Not much these days. However, I greatly needa thank them for everythin. Esp Miss Carol. For all tat i've done. She's givin me complete understandin. Vivian too, for organizin each meetin. Basically all the 6girls. I miss Coconut groove. And the THICK mushroom soup in Sizzler. Heh. Now, I would like to remind u girls. CHRISTMAS PARTY THIS YEAR! And Vivian, I will try learnin bakin turkeys alrite? Michael, I hope u got the cow again this year!. Now, do let me consider is there's anymore "doggies" again. Heh.

At the end of the line, I just wana say, working much may be a good life. It helps takes lots of stuffs off my mind too. Not that i'm facin alot of stress though (as, truely aint a university students muggin hard for their end semester exams). I've been much bothered by the fact that i'm changin gradually. Be it physical or emotional or characterwise. People grown. People changed. People reacted. People reminisce. People longed for the past. People dread future. Perhaps here. Tat "people" is me.

Somewhere or rather, I wish I could go somewhere quiet. Spent a day near the beach. With a storybook in hand. No but thanks. I dun needa any physical accompanies. For what I really need. Is a true tranquility. Perhaps. Perhaps.

beautiful memories on. 3:12:00 pm x ........................................